1.)Got a new boss at Raley's which is scarey yet refreshing..I dont think I'll be working there in the Winter..who knows really.


2.) Met my roomate for APU and i LOVE her, shes sweet, caring, bubbly, and a total planner like me..her name is Tori Pennel and shes from Montana which i think its totally sweet!

3.) I cant help but keep thinking about Stefan leaving next friday, its going to kill me because now we're going to be farther apart and i need him, i do.

4.) My grandma went in for a double voulve replacement because her out voulve wasnt closing and her in voulve was close so she could of had a haert attack any minute..so she came out of surgery and when they took the tub out of her throat she started coughing and she ripped open her stitches and had to basically get the whole thing done over again..so my family is pretty much scared shitless about her health, then to wake up this morning to a phone call at 6 am my step grandpa Norm called to tell me mom that my grandma had a stroke this morning and went into a comma and the doctors dont plan on her living the rest of the day, so im going down to visit her today, but praying with everything thats in me and she will live until my mom can say goodbye because i know it will just kill her with out that coverage...

5.) I leave in 24 days..Sep 3 and i know im going to miss my mom and my puppy more than anything and its killing me to have to let them go. Im scared basically...


So im trying not to look at all these in a nagative way, i just wish there were answers when you needed them the most, like if i really should go to college or just go to a trade school and stay out of debt..or if i should stay home because i feel like if my Grandma does die that my mom will go into a depression and wont be herself and that not only her health but my pets' health would be at risk...


im praying for a miracle.

Where you at?: my living room
How im feelin': devistated

URRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!! III AAAMM SOO FLLIIPPINNG FFRRUUSSTRRATTED...i could kill.

So this is a pretty lame first entry, but whatever. Its been on my mind these past 3 days and im sick of thinking about it and sick of feeling like im the problem.

This whole thing with kyle is seriously bugging the life out of me..Really i dont know what to do. Coming back from my experience in SB was a rollercoaster ride in it's self. Everyday i learned something new about myself. [1] I hate girls from tahoe [2] I really do burn easily [3] I think i have feelings for Kyle [4] I DONT have feelings for Kyle. I have no idea why my emotions change so much. I went into this trip saying "im not hooking up with Kyle, im not going to start liking him either" Well, the first night, I told Bernie that i might still have feelings for him, and yet i re-played that thought over and over in my head the whole night. And by the end of the night i was just happy to be his friend. I really didnt have those strong feelings i thought i did and i was growing to like him more as a best friend then anything else. This is how it ended the last time he came up to see me. I told him that i felt like i was hanging around my bestfriend..not someone i was interested in, and its TOTALLY true today.

The second night we went to this Britney Spears birthday party..and basically a lot went down. I innocently hooked up with Ryan, Bernie and Ian had their drama..and Ariena wanted Shane to "be her boyfriend" but then when they got to Trop, forget about her..it was amazing to see him deny her ass on the street corner. Anyway, hooking up with Ryan, I felt horrible and guilty and wrong and just dirty, i dont even know why. So then we get home finally after all that happend and im sitting on the couch and Kyle lays his head on my lap, it was cute i have to admit, but it always felt awkward and wrong at the same time. Awkward, just like everything else is between us. And i told him what had happend with Ryan..and i could see the instant hurt in his eyes. And instead of feeling sorry for him, i just got angry. I was like you can be mad at me if you want, but we're not together so it shouldnt matter that much. And before i knew i had even said that, he said i wouldnt ever be mad at you because i know we're not together..but im mad at Ryan, cause he should have known. And ya if you're someone whos not in my position you would find yourself saying "awww" but i wasnt. It just made me kind of more upset that he still cared. I dont even know if thats right or wrong, but i still felt it.

Then the thrid night was our German Industrial Party at Kite Club. That was the most interesting thing i have ever been to. But it was pretty much awesome. During the time we were there, i danced with Kyle, and it wasnt until i saw the pictures the next day that i was utterly disgusted with him and myself. I was soo drunk that night. And he was too. But iono the weird face he was making made me feel awkward and vonerable. But of course Kyle "isnt that kind of guy to take advantage of you" I can tell. Every time we've EVER kissed, he has opportunities to do more then just stare at my lips and wait there. URRGGHH its not even like that kind of mad people get because they love eachother..everytime he does something awkward or stupid,  i was always expecting more. And i hate knowing that i have to lower my expectations. I feel bad that i have to do that for him, knowing he can not be what i know he could. Anyway, back to the beginning of our long long night. Courtney didnt think that there were "enough cute guys to hookup with" so evidentilly, all the girls left. But i didnt want to leave i was like wait no one knows we're leaving and no ones sober enough to know where we're at..but then i learned Bernie wasnt that drunk at all lol. Well we're making our way down DP, and low and behold who do we find? SALIM! and his roomate Rodrigo..or whatever lol. So i was like i dont want to be out here with all these people i dont know..take us back to the house..and so we left all those girls and Becca and Mikey by some house on DP. Interestingly enough me and Salim had a very intelectual and interesting talk..kind of deep lol. But i really have no idea what we talked about. All i remember is hugging him once we got to the house and climbing up a ladder to get to the top of this car port. THAT WAS AN ADVENTURE ALL IN ITS SELF!! So the cops come..make us get off, and i was FREEZING by now, i felt like i was back in tahoe, especially with the piece of cloth i was wearing!!! lol So i ask for Salims sweatshirt, and i remember it being sooo soo soft, unbelievably soft inside that i wanted to keep it lol, even though it was two thousand sizes too big. And we're walking back, and im just in AWW of Bernie and Ian..they were soo cute i wish i had a camera to take pictures...anyway, when we got back to the room. Salim and his roomate just kind of tagged along..it was weird lol but then we put on some music and started dancing with our glow sticks!! It was awesome. Than during that whole time i guess i was leading on Kyle and Salim. But all i remember is me laying on Jakes bed with my feet resting on Shanes head post and Kyle came over and was resting his hand over my stomach and just staring at me again. and we were talking but i could see his face in the dark and it was the most awkward and weird face ever..kind of like an orgasim meets a whhaa?? and i couldnt handel it so i jumped down and started dancing again, Salims legs looked really comfortable to sit in-between so i did. And i saw Kyles face when i did it but i had no control over myslef so stop or do anything then what i just did. He pulled my arm and was like come here come here.. and i knew he was jealous and such so i was like "WAIT! we have to find a better song to play"..cause some weird song was playing lol. Denied him once. Then everyone left, i forget why..and Bernie put on the "hide and seek" song..so i got the wonderful idea to play hide ande seek. Then he grabbed my waist like "come hide with me" and i ran to the opposite side and hide up high, denied twice..and i got found lol. I always laugh too much. Then Shane came in and was really upset so he kicked us out and we played in the living room lol. It was hilarious until Ian almost ruined his computer by spilling whiskey all over it. Then our game kind of stopped and Ian was dance humpping Bernie ..got some fun pictures of that lol. Then idk how i got the idea of getting them a condom..but i went into the room to do so. And i completely had a melt down.

Shane wasnt sleeping and he was asking me what we were doing and thats when it was came out. My hatered for Kyles awkwardness and the way i felt about him. He told me something while i was sobing that replays in my mind over and over again..and i wont it to stop. He told me that "honestly" he thinks we're perfect for eachother. But how can we be perfect of eachother i though? I dont even feel a connection to him when or if we kiss. Then i guess he told Bernie that I am "perfect of Kyle, becuase i bring out the best in him" Yes i understand that how relationships work they bring out the best in eachother. But thats all one sided. I bring out the best in him fine. But what about me?? What does he offer me? How does HE bring out the best in ME? when i hate being around him when he does weird stuff. So i told Shane all this and he says that i should teach Kyle to be what i want. and to be thats more awkward then before! No im not going to be the man and show him how to touch me or kiss me or be around me. Im really his first real relationship and it takes awhile to create a connection with yourself first to understand what you should do to others. He hasnt figured that out yet. And im not going to be the girl he practices on. Its almost like he's too perfect..to the point where i know he cant handle me. I just cant handle it anymore. I get so angry and frustrated because i know im hurting him. But i really hate how it makes me feel too. I hate to be mean but Im only a junior, i dont want to have a relationship im not even serious about consume my life because he could eventually "bring out the best in me too".

Back to the rest of that night. After me and Shanes talk and me bawling..i walk out into the hall and guess whos there..Kyle..Stumbling towards me. I try to walk around him, and i feel arms pushing me towards the wall, and his hand wipe away my stray bangs..just like in the movies..but then he's just starring at me...Denied a thrid time. And he ruined the moment. I just wanted to shout DO IT ALREADY!! but then i didnt cause i really didnt want him to kiss me. I just wanted him to prove to me that he could be forceful and aggressive and not danity and women-like. But he cant. Even if he's drunk. So i walked away and threw the condom at Bernie and Ian. I heard Kyle open the door and leave..that gave me my chance to leave too.  I went back into the room and cryed to Shane again. Then i felt horrible for Salim. I hated how Kyle was jealous of Salim. Im not "his" girl and innocent flirting doesnt mean i like him.. i was furious. So i ran down stairs to Salims room, all the while hearing Bernie yelling at me to come back, asking me where i was going. I was just in my own world and i doubt that they could have done anything to stop me. I found him and told him i was deeply sorry for Kyle being jealous. And for leading him on. He's a really nice guy, until he goes creeper status lol. So then i went back to the room and sat on Jakes bed talking to Shane. Listening to Kyle play his music. I got even more annoyed. Because everytime i remember that he sang to me..he voice is funny like he's trying to sign all sexy lol. And his nose moves faster then he talks..and i feel asleep crying, thinking to myself that i was a horrible person for thinking all these things are WRONG about him, when really. there not wrong, there just not right for me. And it takes everything in me to not just pretend to like him and feel sorry for him. Thats how serious it is, its no longer a joke that i dont like him. I really dont! I hate the fact that people think other wise.

I believe Kyle will find someone after me. Even if it takes 4 years. And he will be happy with her. Maybe it will be serious, or maybe it wont. I dont care. He just needs to get over me, because there's nothing about him i wanted after i left SB, and if i really liked him id already miss him. And i dont. I wish i could just be friends with him. But its harder to turn love into friendship then turn friendship into love...i just wish he would fully understand. But if i was to tell him everything i felt..i know id distroy him and hurt him more then i ever have. Turely that kid is amazing..when he's not around me.

Tags: b-dizzle
Where you at?: My living room
How im feelin': aggravated
What im jockin': Near to you By A Fine Frenzy